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She will return.

   I received a call last night from my wife.She stated that one of three is now fading out fast.I felt bad for her ,yet happy. They will be gone not long from now and I am here where,and I have been waiting for her faithfully for her to return home. I am happy that this will be happening down the road. Her path, she is almost at end and will cross the finish line soon. She and I talked long and toward the end of our call I said I  Love you and our daughter Loves you. She liked hearing me say that. I was happy to say it to her. I have real Love for her and my daughter does too. The three do not, and pulled the wool over her eyes, but the light is finally getting through the veil and she has awakened. The Great Spirit has shown me and I now know for sure. I have the faith, and hope and most of all Love that belongs to her. Our quest is close to being over and home will be alive again. I look forward to that day happening.I have had allot of dreams and few visions telling me that the time is near . It is a native thing concerning dreams and visions. We all have them ,may not always understand or realize what they are for.I am not sure why, but I accept them and have learned what some of my own mean. I can not say for others out here, I am no dream expert. Just know about my own. It has been a long road , but I am here waiting for my soul mate to return and she will be. Thats what matters most to me. A simple man.

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Posted by on March 13, 2013 in Quest -Life

 

Thieves in a family tree

Like I have written some about three family members who are like thieves hidden in the dark waiting to rob you of what you have, this would be these three.Every family has them one or two or more,who will do anything to you, to get or hurt your life. They will hide behind good intentions, a mask of deception.As this happened to my wife and I.  I brought these three into our lives thinking only good would come of this happening.Thinking this would help her to feel better.Said many nice things about them to my wife, opening the door up for them to do this to her. My heart was in the right place theirs were not.Saddens me greatly that family would be almost our worst nightmare realized. Playing off like they cared and yet hidden behind the mask they were planing to do what they did to her and in turn myself.Trusting strangers is hard enough but trusting family members and then doing bad to you is so low, I can not put that into words.The good book says judge not lest you be judged.That is very true, along with in the wedding vows we say to each other and the preacher or judge says this.Let no one put asunder what God has put together. This is true ,because along time back we had an X and A grandmother doing that to us and they both died not to long after . I feel this will happen to these three lowlifes who call themselves family. I am not a vengeful person But I will dance on their graves for what they have done to her and I.Then ask The Great Spirit to forgive them.A little twisted I know, I have anger toward them for this and rightly so. I do not like my wife suffering the way she is and punishing herself as I was doing some time back.I realize I have anger about this, because it is just wrong I would hope this does not happen to tohers out here I fear it does all tom often. I wish for you all to have a goood live and a great family ,not like thoe one I married into.Be back soon.

 
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Posted by on February 27, 2013 in Quest -Life

 

A road more traveled.

I began life on Native American land, born in a 1953 in a ford coupe two tone color green and white. My life never started out well.I one of a pair of twins.My sister Sandy died at age of three. We both came down with a bad illness I lived she did not. Now jumping forward in time some.My mother’s mother was a strict Christian of that generation. I born out of wed lock and My father was Native American , both did not play out well, for me.  My grand mother her Mom kept riding on her to get rid of me , I was considered evil and bad ,no fault of my own. She finally went crazy and tryed to kill me by bouncing me down 15 flights of stairs. I had every bone in my little body broken, I layed in a hospital bed until I was six years old couldn’t move anything. I was told I would never walk again and live in pain for all my life. I somehow proofed them wrong.I did and do live with pain everyday. I wore iron leg braces to be able to walk until I was nine.I finally got out of those leg irons and walked on own.I took allot teasing from kids white and native.Both side did not like me because I am a half breed, with white skin.Which fueled my resolve to get out of them and get even .I did too! I have always had big heart for anyone who is disabled no matter how. I am now again in my life because of the car thing saving my wifes life.This time I can not come out of all of it because of being brain damaged. I never quit or give up this is why I do not. Because of what happened back then.I was smarter than the average person ,now not so much. I do my best to learn and gain in knowledge, I have walked on a long road back. I have arrived at the station and now wait for my Beloved wife. I was a member of Caps here where I live to stop death and young people from entering gang life. I started doing this without my wife knowing. I had a  death wish as she called it, my X police officer caps partner,she realized I did. We talked about it and I put it aside.Then I brought my wife into helping me.She is a very good teacher ,because she is disabled and can’t work I thought this would help her to realize she can do allot of things like that.She got them all to listen and learn that life is more than street  gangs. She was outstanding, I never could have helped so many without her.We make a great team and will again one day soon.I know this is vague somewhat, allot more to all this, I would be writing here for days to say all of it.So I hope this halps someone out here to keep the faith and never say never. I believe and this is why I do.

 
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Posted by on February 16, 2013 in Quest -Life

 

Each step I take.

I have taken the journey and now have returned.Each step I took was filled with pain and tears, a long road to walk.Each day and night seeking answers to questions and learning to be free of the hell ,I was living in my mind, filled with fear, and sadness.Facing the mirror I was looking in and seeing a man broken, needing to be repaired and not knowing how or what I could do.I thought of death to release from my pain and fears. I had never had fear of most anything, until I realized and had thought my wife was going to die and I could not do any more than I had been for her. The fear began to increase greatly over some time.I for only the third time in my life cried, there after every night the rain would come down. I was afraid of her dying and leaving me alone ,death, knocking at the door.I had convinced myself that is was going to at any time.I was feeding the evil wolf. He wanted more and more. Fear took over my mind I became harder on myself and neglected me , not caring or loving myself ,not knowing who I am .I knew why, yet I could not come to terms with this. My Ego kept me from myself.I always had the answers ,doing the right thing because I could. Then I woke up and realized I could no longer understand things I had before. That in a way I had died that day of the car hitting me. I felt like I was nobody and had trouble talking  and many other things I had been able to do before that time.My wife being convinced I am a bad guy she once was married to and the one and that agenda, going on, most everything just turning bad.My wife giving up and saying false things,her reason was to make me snap and to end her life.I understand it but it was still wrong to say those bad words about me. None of which were true.I asked her one evening why was she doing this to me ,when she said this I was shocked.I told her I can not do that.I took allot of abuse from her. At times I would get loud and not realize that I was.Being frustrated not mad. Sometimes using a word that I did not mean anything by it,just the only one I could come up with, because of my limited brain. I was always positive ,then had turned negative in my mind. I kept everything away from my wifes eyes. I did not want to cause her any emotional drama. As much as I could.I slipped once in awhile and would get acting military with her, to get her to back off. Wrong and stupid on my part ,never to cause her any pain just felt limited to what I could say or how to handle the verbal abuse I had been taking for along time. Then the three who were undermining our marriage.The agenda that was hidden. It was so much ,and I was getting deeper into being sad and feeling so down. Did not know what to do anymore or how to set it all right again.I would not talking to anyone about what was going on inside my head.Being a man who was taught to keep my emotions from view and suck it up sort of thing. I did,yet it was eating away at me.Until the day my wife put herself in a nursing home or like Palin called them a death house.At first I thought she was following what happened with her Grand mother slash mom. I realized later on that it was not that it was the one doing the same thing to my wife that she had done to her own mother.I owe my wife a I’m sorry for some thoughts I had gotten wrong about her grandmother.Her grandmother was controlling her head and ,making up bad stuff to to convince my wife I was her dead X husband in drag.In a years time she convinced my wife that I am. I am not, anything like that dude was. Not even close.The one was in the back ground hidden from view, using her mother to do her dirty work. while looking like a saint in front of people.There are many of those kind out here in the world. I thought of death several times and had a minor heart attack because I was not eating or sleeping just not caring anymore. I am OK now lost some weight and stop drinking so much coffee ,instead of eating, turned all that back around.My daughter was a great help for me to change the things I can and accept those things I can not.  This is how I was feeling inside until I found a couple who had been through some of the same things I and my wife have been.On the net. They gave me so much time That I badly needed to let out all of it. I chose to stand and face myself, to fix what I needed to and gain new knowledge , because I had lost so much from that day.In a way I died that day ,Have been reborn , to who I am again yet better . The facing of self is the hardest thing to do.Being your own worst enemy is true. I did and won against the evil wolf and now I feed the good wolf. He grows stronger each day, as I do. I now wait for my soul mate and hope and pray for her, to protect her and not let any harm come to her.Some bad has been happening to her there, I believe like myself was punishing me,she is doing the same!

nativeamericangif20

 
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Posted by on February 12, 2013 in Quest -Life

 

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The quest -my life in the begining

        I first want to thank those who wrote me last night on my post, for your kind words to me, that means so much more than I write to all of you here, thank you! My wife has a very bad M.S., wheel chair bound  and bed. I always took great care of her everyday, until this happened last year, this time. She has some family who took advantage of her thoughts, one of the three, had a hidden agenda , concerning my wife. Plus the fact a very bad drug, was messing her head up.The one as I shall call the person, wanted revenge on my wife for betraying the one, as a child my wife , needed someone to be there for her, and did what she at the time ,and the only person ,who would be there for her.The one became angered by that and all the years has carried ,this hate and revenge ,out first on the ones’ mother and now my wife to get even. That is wrong beyond what I can write here. To hate your child for being a child and needing someone because the one , was hung up on self ,and being a J.W on top of it. My wife did not betray the one ,only did what any child would do in that time. It was bad on her and she became lost back then. Now she is suffering in a place , punishing herself ,because of the one and the two others. The one who is liking that happening to my wife.She is my soul mate and my heart , this deeply saddens me ,what is happening to her, I pray to the Great Spirit everyday and night  to guide her thoughts and to protect my heart.We have been married for almost twenty-two years next May. We have been though a lot of bad and good. together and before our time. I got messed up because  one cold day we were on our way to a store and a woman who was in a hurry went through a stop light.I had no thought of saving myself and did what was needed that day. To get her out-of-the-way of the car before it hit her and killed her.Which hit me and I knew it was going to. I can not tell much about this event because I have no memory of it. Only what I told later. I did it because she is my heart and wanted no harm to come to her or death either.That day changed me for life. I lost some knowledge, some reasoning skills, talking became a problem for me, there are things, I can not understand no matter how much I work at it, I won’t give up and keep working on all things I need to. I had and got damaged body parts to.I would again be willing to give up my life for her , no doubt in my mind that day or now. I would do so again. My daughter has been beside me through all this time, and has helped me when I don’t understand some things. She turned out to be an outstanding Human Being ,which I am so very proud of her. I now have A grand-daughter, who I love beyond mere words. My daughter was not form me ,Yet she is my daughter.I do not know a better way to write this. I hope you all understand this writing better than I can do this. I will be back to write more on this subject, of my quest. Thank you for reading this. May all your days be filled with Love and Joy!

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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This is about my quest!

This is about my quest!

     I have been on a quest for this last year, to find myself. I got lost for several reasons. I am back and ready to write here now, sorry for anyone who has been here and I have not written anything. I found one dark day that I was lost, did not know who and what I am any longer. So I decided to go on this quest to find me again and .I started by tearing myself down and then to rebuild. This has taken me a year to do, now I am done and healthy-minded again, Actually better than I was before. I hit by a car 14 years ago and my wife put herself into a nursing home last year because of a bad drug called remeron , and a little of me to. I had hit the bottom with a very hard impact. This is what drove me to this.I did not like myself nor love myself. I was punishing me for any reason I could come up with, not on anyone else. Just me! I did a very good job of that. Well over this last year I began to get rid of what was making feel so bad about myself and accept that I am a damaged human ,body and some brain damage. I hae to learn to speak again better than had become and  relearn to do write ,many other things. I am not the writer I was , and I have a problem with spelling, few other parts to. So pardon me if I do not write that well, I will do the best I can.I will be back here again soon. Have a good day and a better tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on February 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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